My Expectation is About as Expected as I had Expected
by lose
Summary: Hachiman's a cynical loner. Yuigahama's an affectionate airhead. Yukinoshita's tsundere as all hell. Are there any other tropes that haven't been mentioned yet? Oh, plenty. One part parody, two parts insanity, one hundred percent fun. Sjekk det ut...
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't claim to own anything aside from the story itself. I wrote this purely for my, and hopefully your, entertainment.

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 **My Expectation is About as Expected as I had Expected  
**  
By: Lose

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 **Prologue  
**

Youth is a lie. It's one big goddamn, phony lie. Those who say it's not a lie are stupid narcissists and riajuu who are so self-absorbed and integrated with society that they simply can't even begin to understand their naivety. I, however, being a pragmatic, pessimist-realist loner, have been granted the unique ability to understand all social situations perfectly because of my removal from society. I may be a loner, but I prefer it that way. Seriously, it's not because I have an off-putting personality or have faced unflinchingly constant rejection my entire life or anything, it's just that I choose to simply be alone. A riajuu like you wouldn't understand, so buzz off.

Also, I have rotten fish eyes and decent good looks.

This is a story of myself, (who is a pessimist-realist, I might mention) and what a 'normal' day's like as seen through the eyes of one Hikigaya Hachiman.

By the way, there's no such thing as normal. Normal is a term constructed by society to help reinforce the notions that individuals are doing things right, when in reality, there is no right and wrong. Everything is grey, and as a pessimist-realist, I'm one of the few who can understand this. Not many can, but I can because of my unique outlook on life.

Enough babbling though. Without further ado, let's get into the damn story. I have better things to do than just sit around all day explaining things to you (lol).


	2. Part 1

**Part 1  
**

Parody.

I never quite understood the appeal of such an absurdly stupid genre.

Parody represents everything that's wrong with society, and let me tell you, there is a LOT wrong with society, so you should understand how serious this is. Parody stands at the forefront though because it's seriously one of the worst things that have ever existed.

Think about it like this: parody is essentially some random third party taking the work of someone who's toiled countless hours and days, draining their endless patience in creating a unique piece of literature, or television, or light novel, or whatever, and simply reducing it down to its basest elements and then essentially taking credit for it.

And not only that, but those who engage in this display of feigned superiority under the guise of creatorship have the unmitigated gall to make fun of the creators' shortcomings in the process. It's sick, honestly. Parody (like society) is a cancer. A cancer that threatens to overrun the world if left unchecked. A cancer that threatens to squeeze and castrate every last ounce of originality in this horrid society, and we let it flourish. It makes me sick. It's evil.

The only parody that I can approve of is that one American parody where all those idiots are on that airplane. Shirley you must be kidding me that that's the only parody that I can stomach. Don't call me Shirley, but yes it's true. Is this the first thing that's ever been true? No, other things have been true plenty of times before. Also, I'm your father Luke. That's from another American movie. **[1]**

Regardless, let's get back to the present before I end up throwing out more vague and unnecessary references.

I was slowly walking down the hallway of Sobu High. As usual, my hands were in my pockets and my back was hunched over. My face was drawn into a scowl, and I'm pretty sure my hair was so messy that I had a cowlick sticking right out the top of my head this morning.

When I finally reached the classroom of 2F, I stopped, my hand hovering above the door handle as I contemplated going inside.

I paused there for approximately twenty minutes before sighing and pushing my way in. Class had already started, and I made my way to my seat as all the other kids laughed and made fun of me.

"Late again Hikigaya?" Hiratsuka-sensei asked with a slight smirk.

I shrugged as I sat down.

"Alright, see me after class then. We need to talk."

I shrugged and buried my face into my arms lazily. I didn't need to pay attention because I was the third highest ranked student in Humanities. Second only to Yukinoshita (who trust me, would never let me live it down), and Hayama, who was a perfect riajuu anyways so he didn't count.

When class finally wrapped up, I brought myself over to the teacher's desk, anticipating some choice words on her part.

"Yes Hiratsuka-sensei? What is it?" I asked.

"I read over your paper Hikigaya," Hiratsuka-sensei answered with crossed arms.

"And?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "You should be more specific. Men don't like it when a woman dances around a subject you know," I said cleverly. Stupid Hiratsuka-sensei, always being so vague. This was just one of the reasons she didn't have a boyfriend yet, let alone a husband. I mean, in all hon—

I gasped as a glowing purple fist found its way into my ribcage, knocking the wind straight out of me and leaving me on the floor in a sputtering pile of limbs and gasps.

I groaned as I looked at my attacker, whose eyes were glowing with rage. "You smartass Hikigaya," she glowered. "That was for writing such a terrible paper, _and_ for making fun of my suffering love life. I want a new paper in by this Friday, got it?"

"Yes… ma'am…" I uttered out through ruptured lungs.

"Good," she said before completely breaking out into tears. "Why are men so stupid?! Why am I not married yet?" she cried into the sleeves of her dirty lab coat.

God, if she kept this up, I'd have to marry her on the spot. And to be honest, if I were born ten years earlier, I definitely would have claimed her for my own already.

I shrugged, and left the classroom and a miserable, bawling Hiratsuka-sensei behind in my wake.

It wasn't a long walk to the special building. As I opened the door, I saw two familiar faces.

"Yo," I said.

"Yahallo Hikki!" Yuigahama said happily.

"Hello Hikigaya-kun," Yukinoshita said calmly.

"Yo," I answered.

"Yahallo Hikki!" Yuigahama responded.

"Yo," I nodded.

"Hikigaya-kun, are you simply going to repeat yourself all day or are you going to take a seat like the reliably subservient creature that you are?" Yukinoshita asked, a glint of passion behind her ice-blue eyes.

"Oi Yukinoshita, you may call me a creature, but creatures have all the fun you know? For example, a bear is a creature and bears are not only independent, but they're at the top of their respective food chains too. So in reality, calling me a creature is a pretty big compliment."

"Hikigaya-kun, your self-delusion is impressive. I don't know if I should be scandalized or impressed by your egotistical assertions."

"Hey come on guys… Let's just all relax, ya know? Take it easy or something…" Yuigahama whimpered, eyes wide at the verbal smack down I was accosting Yukinoshita with.

We both shrugged, and I made my way to my usual chair. I pulled out a book and began reading, Yukinoshita doing something similar, and Yuigahama began to play with her pink phone.

A few minutes into the meeting, we received a sudden knock on the door. We all looked up and at each other before Yukinoshita spoke.

"Come in."

The door opened to reveal a girl with flowing white hair, and black-lace panties. Oi… I totally know this girl's name. For some reason, it's just not coming to me though… Katabashi? Sakarani? Itsubaki Kiritaya? Tsuronai Kitsoyugarabashitakiwa?

I was pretty sure that the last one was close, but off by like a letter or something. Still, it would've been embarrassing if I fumbled her name so I stayed quiet and let the other two do the talking.

"What can we help you with Kawasaki-san?" Yukinoshita asked.

Oh, so I was right the first time then.

The girl awkwardly rocked back and forth on her heels, before breathing out and speaking. "I… um. My parents are both out of town for the weekend, and I need to work, so…" she trailed off unsurely.

I regarded Kitsoyugarabashitakiwa suspiciously as I waited for her to spit out what she wanted to say. I couldn't help, "Go on…" from slipping out of my mouth, however.

She suddenly flushed red and said, "Huh?! What's that supposed to mean, idiot? Why are you interrupting me?"

I shrugged and said, "Sorry."

"Stupid Hikki."

"Ass Hikigaya-kun."

I shook off the insults and waited for the white-haired girl to continue. After a few seconds, she said, "I need a babysitter for my little bro tomorrow night."

Little bro huh… Memories of an Onii-chan calling, insectoid, sister-stealing little kid came suddenly bounding into my memory.

"Oh… that kid. I hate him. He called me Onii-chan that one time."

"What did you say?!" Karabani raged.

Oh, that was right. I forgot that she was a damn brocon.

"Nevermind…"

"That's what I thought," she huffed. "So, can you guys do it? I'd really… appreciate it."

Yukinoshita thought on this point for a second, her finger tapping against her chin, before answering, "Yes, I believe we can all assist you tomorrow. What time should we come?"

"Oh… Thanks," Honda replied with a blink. "Uh… come around six o'clock. That's when my shift starts."

"Understood. What is your address?"

"I'm not sure I want that guy over there to know where I live…" Honda said uneasily, whilst looking in my direction.

Yukinoshita slammed her fist on the clubroom table suddenly, scaring the crap out of everyone in the room. She eyed Honda with a murderous gaze. "Hikigaya-kun is a member of this club. If you do not wish to share your information with him, I suggest you leave immediately. I will not have anyone badmouthing him, as that is my duty and my duty alone."

Although surprised that she had stepped up to defend my maidenly honor, I gave her a lazy smile and mouthed 'thanks'. She blushed, and turned away.

Yuigahama laughed uneasily, "Hey come on guys… Let's all just relax, ya know? Take it easy or something…"

Honda blinked and apologized reluctantly. "S-Sorry, I guess. I didn't mean it like that. My address is 9473 Ayanami Lane. Thanks for doing this, though. The guy over there is welcome too then..."

Yukinoshita nodded and met Kawasaki's gaze. That's just how things were though; those two had such similar, abrasive personalities that I doubt they could ever get along perfectly. That was just the unmitigated, core fundamentality of human nature.

With another nod, Kawasaki left the room, leaving us three club members to resume our mundane activities.

I eyed Yukinoshita's slender features, noting the elegant nape of her neck, and her beautiful, flowing, silky, luxurious black hair. I felt my cheeks color when she turned to face me slightly. I turned away immediately.

"I'm kinda jealous you know…" Yuigahama muttered.

"What was that?" Yukinoshita and I both asked at the same time.

"Nothing…"

Suddenly, the door flew open again and we were met with an obnoxiously, high-pitched voice.

"Senpai!" it called out.

I looked up from my book to the door to see a first year sprinting in my direction, her hands holding two plastic bags filled to the brim with snacks and drinks.

"Senpai, carry this for me! It's soo heavy!" she said foxily.

I regarded her for a second before rolling my eyes and standing up from my seat. I didn't want to help her with her damn bags, but my onii-chan instinct was on full alert today, it seemed.

"Yeah, fine," I said.

As I reached out to grab the bags from her hands, she suddenly pulled them back from me with a dour look on her face. "Huh? Don't you want to know what it's for before you help me?"

"Not really…" I answered honestly.

She flushed slightly, her cheeks taking on a slight crimson before her eyes widened and she bowed her head. "I realize that you might think of me as more than a friend and while it would obviously be polite for me to decline you gently because you've helped me in the past I believe it would be best if I reject you firmly so that you don't get the wrong idea. I can't go out with you senpai even though I like older guys and think you're really attractive. Gomenosai."

"Ah, it's not like that," I protested with a grumble.

"Oh…" she answered, her mouth taking on a small 'O' shape as she did. Suddenly, her eyes flitted over to the other two impatient looking girls in the room before she cried out. "Ahh!" She ended up dropping her bags out of surprise, their contents spilling and exploding all over the tiled floor of the clubroom.

"Oh no… I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were here Yukinoshita-senpai and Yui-senpai…"

"Hi Iroha-chan," Yuigahama said quietly.

Yukinoshita fixed her with a cold gaze. "Hello Isshiki-san." Suddenly, her frown turned into a mischievous smile. "Since you have made a mess of the clubroom, I believe you should be the one to clean it. Do you object?"

"N-no!" Isshiki said in a fluster. "I'll do it… Yeah, I'll clean it all up I promise…" she said in a slight whimper. She turned to face me. "Um, senpai? Can you help?"

I wanted to refuse her, but I felt my onii-chan instinct activating yet again, and couldn't help but say, "Yeah, yeah."

We made short work of cleaning up the room, and putting everything back in order. It wasn't long before the floors were spotless again.

With a sigh, I breathed out. I let my body sag against the chair's metallic surface as I surveyed my work.

Ah, work. What a funny and interesting word that holds so many negative connotations. To work is to lose. Working is an outdated practice that preys on an individual's natural inclination to obey authority, and fall submissive to the whims of the capitalist regime, and it's wholly unsurprising that so many are ensnared in its propagandistic lies and fruitless assertions. I'm above that though; I'm way too smart for that type of thing. I'd much rather leech off unemployment and my significant other if at all possible. That's why I'm going to become the best househusband that's ever existed, better believe it! **[142]**

"Hey Yukinon, what time did Kawasaki say she wanted us to come over again?"

Oh Yuigahama… Kawabashi _literally_ told us the time less than an hour ago. What an absolute airhead.

"Six o'clock Yuigahama-san," Yukinoshita said. "I was aware that your memory is inferior to mine, but now I realize that your mental capacity is rather comparable to a goldfish's if anything at all."

"Yukinooon! That's so unfair!" Yuigahama screeched as she ran at Yukinoshita with balled up fists. Yukinoshita simply took the punishment until Yuigahama grew tired and settled back into her seat.

"Oh, Kawasaki-senpai? Why are you guys going to her house tomorrow night?" Isshiki asked curiously. "Oh! Is there going to be a party? Can I come?" she asked enthusiastically.

"Nah, there won't be any party. We're taking on a request for her, that's all," I answered lazily.

Isshiki looked at me for a second, as if trying to see if I was telling the truth and then smiled. "Ah, suree senpai. I understand." Her grin was blatantly mischievous. "Can I still go with you guys though? I don't really have anything to do, and I don't want to sit at home all night…"

"I do not think that would be a wise idea Isshiki-san…" Yukinoshita said uneasily. "After all, Kawasaki-san only agreed to allowing the three of us to enter her home. We cannot simply bring an extra person without her consent."

"What if I told you that my uncle works at Destiny Studios and can get you in to meet the voice actor for Pan-san from 'Bamboo Crusaders II: Eliminate All Dirty Hebrew Camels'?"

"We will see you there tomorrow night Isshiki-san."

"Instant approval?!" Yuigahama exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes.

As the clock ticked the hours away and the sun set lower in the sky, us four that remained in the club realized that it was time to finally pack it all in.

"See ya guys."

"Bye everyone!"

"Bye~"

"Goodbye."

I took off down one direction of the hall, and the others departed the other way. I was alone – just how I liked it, because I was a loner.

As I was walking to the bike racks behind the special building, a certain blonde person caught my attention.

"Yo," I nodded to him.

"Oh. It's you," Hayama Hayato said.

"Yup. What are you doing here? I didn't know you biked."

"I don't."

"Okay…" I said unsurely. Hayama Hayato was _such_ a mysterious guy.

"Yeah…"

"Um, could you move?" I asked him. He blinked once. "You're blocking my bike."

"Oh, sorry about that," he answered refreshingly. He stood there idly for a second before continuing. "Say… Yukinoshita-san sure has been looking happy lately, hasn't she?" His eyes told me that there was more he wanted to say.

"Uh, I guess. I don't really know why that's—"

I was interrupted when Hayama suddenly grabbed my collar and slammed me roughly against the fence.

"Hikigaya… that's the problem. You _don't_ really know anything, yet for some reason you always think that you do. Just leave it alone won't you?" he asked, a mask of anger but also thinly concealed pain painted on his face.

"Uh… okay," I answered uneasily.

He loosened his grip and backed off. "Sorry about that," he said, his face reverting back to its refreshing self. With a wave, and another small smile, he walked off into the distance.

"Right."

As I mounted my bike and began to pedal home, I couldn't get his words out of my head.

' _I don't…'_

Why wouldn't he bike when biking was the most convenient form of transportation for a high school student? That guy was certainly a mystery. I shook my head to clear my thoughts as I made my way back home.

* * *

"I'm home," I called out as I entered the front door. As I walked in, I saw our fat cat Kamakura lazing around in his carpet castle. He was incredibly lazy, like me, but because we were so alike, he didn't like me.

"Hey Onii-chan! In here!" a voice said from the kitchen.

It was Komachi's voice. I made my way into the kitchen to see her reading a magazine at the counter, a loose shirt dangling over her frame.

"Hey," I said as I plopped myself down on the couch.

"How was your day Onii-chan?"

"Oh, you know. Crappy, as is the rest of my youth."

"Uh huh… You know you sound really stupid when you say melodramatic things like that right?"

"Yeah, I know."

Then again, melodrama, like everything else, was something that possessed no purely objective classification. What one person might consider melodrama, another might consider normal or ordinary. Beyond the realms of metaphysicality or some absurd ascension project utilizing gigantic robots and shoehorned Christian imagery, it was a safe enough assertion that humans are subjective by nature and therefore melodrama is a purely subjective experience.

Society was vile like that. It means to curb everyone's ideas and form them into one, uniform, solitary vacuum where no individual's ideas are allowed to spring free and flourish. Society is evil. Youth is evil. IT'S ALL EV—

"Uh Onii-chan? Why do you have that disgusting look on your face?"

"I have no such thing. Carry on with what you were doing."

She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, but eventually shrugged it off as she turned back to her magazine to read.

I started the conversation up again when I remembered something that had marginal relevance to my little sister.

"Hey, what was the name of that pathetic kid who was desperately pining after you at that restaurant that one time again?"

"Oh, you mean Taishi-kun," she answered immediately. "What about him?"

"Apparently me and the other club members are going to be babysitting him tomorrow night. Just thought I'd let you know," I shrugged.

Her eyes lit up suddenly. "Oh! Can I come Onii-chan? It'd be super fun if I got to hang out with Yukino-san, Yui-san, _and_ Taishi-kun. Especially all at once!"

"Nah, that would just be more work for me. You know, keeping you away from that insect and out of trouble."

"Oh, come on," she pouted. "Pleeeeease Onii-chan? It would make Komachi very, _very_ happy!"

I could feel my defenses crumbling as I regarded her adorable, smiling face. Maybe I really was a siscon…

"Okay, yeah. Fine."

"You're the best big bro ever!" she said with a toothy grin. "KOMACHI POINT EXPLOSION!" she exclaimed loudly!

I rolled my eyes. "I'm gonna go to bed. I'll come pick you up tomorrow before we all leave."

"Okie dokie! G'night Onii-chan!"

"Night."

I glided up the stairs quickly before settling into my cool sheets. At first I smiled as I thought about the days' events, but when I realized what I was doing, I quickly slapped it off my face with an open palm. I forced my face into a frown with my fingers, and began humming the mantra 'Youth is a lie. Youth is a lie. Youth is a lie' over and over again until I was satisfied with my cynicism.

Yes… That was right.

Youth was a criminal, and I, its greatest accomplice.

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** Written all in one sitting, and all in under three hours. This was just way too fun to write to stop. I hope at least a few people have similar senses of humor, because otherwise there are going to be a lot of upset fans in the fandom, and soon. This story will be short, but expect a few more installments to be coming. Thanks for reading.


	3. Part 2

**Part 2**

Walking. In all honesty, it's such a ridiculously overrated concept. The idea of having to propel yourself forward with your own willpower, your own stamina, and then having your legs be sore and raw the next day. It was all a crock of shit.

In a way, walking is sort of like the struggle of youth. You're expected to engage in it every day, and like every other day, it's painful, unrewarding, and just flat out hurts. You live it, but you hate it all the meanwhile.

Youth and walking are lies.

At this point, you might be asking yourself 'wait, why exactly are they lies'? Well, don't. Just roll with it.

As I cursed my luck for having purchased such a piece of trash bicycle that fell apart every other day without exception, I made my way over to my seat so that I could rest my sore legs.

As I sat there, rubbing myself, I heard a bright voice greet me. One that exuded untainted purity.

"Good morning Hachiman."

My eyes immediately turned up to face the voice of that person, and I found myself both speechless and breathless as soon as they landed on the person of my abject affections. My rubbing intensified.

"Y-Yo," I stumbled out as I struggled to desperately fold one leg across the other.

"How's it going Hachiman? I haven't talked to you in a while."

This angel was talking to me, ME, of all people. I felt faint as I looked into those precious, sexually ambiguous eyes and that damningly feminine smile.

"I want to spoon you as we fall asleep and feed you porridge in the morning through a straw," I said all at once.

"Huh? What was that?"

"Nothing," I said coolly. "I've been good. How about you?"

"Oh. Umm… Tennis club has been going pretty well I guess, but aside from that I haven't really been doing much," he said adorably. "How's club going? Have you gotten any new requests lately?"

"Kawasaki wanted us to babysit her brother so we're all stopping there after school today you should come," I blurted out suddenly.

 _Ah, laying it on a little too thick there Hachiman! Relax! Reel him in easy…_

"I mean, if you want to come, I'm not going to say no," I shrugged.

Totsuka's surprised expression softened quickly, and he smiled before saying, "Oh, in that case, yeah. I'd love to join you guys. When are you going?"

"We're all leaving later. I'll pick you up after school," I said, blushing as I realized the potential duality of that statement.

He smiled happily.

That smile was holy, but deserved to have unholy things done to it.

"Alright, sounds good! See you later then!"

"Goodbye handsome," I whispered with a wet breath.

When I finally managed to relax, I realized that Hiratsuka-sensei had entered the classroom and had started the lesson.

In the middle of speaking about symbolism in advanced literature, she suddenly pulled out a flask and downed the entire thing in one sip. The class gasped, but she merely brushed them off with, 'prudes', before proceeding to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes immediately after.

By the time class was over, Hiratsuka-sensei had to be taken away by stretcher due to alcohol or nicotine poisoning, or something. I didn't really pay attention because my mind was still focused on the aroma of Totsuka's lilac perfume as it drifted into my nostrils.

I sighed lovingly before standing up when I realized that class was over.

However, as I did, I heard a conversation erupt from the middle of the room.

"Hayato, wait! Please, just this once!"

"Sorry Yumiko… I just need to be alone right now. You understand, don't you?"

The manicured, blonde boy gave a small, refreshing smile before pushing past some lingering students and making his way out of the room.

"I can't… I can't believe him! How could he do that?!" Miura wailed. "I thought we… I thought we had something," she added with a sullen whisper.

Yuigahama jumped to her aid and cooed softly. "There there Yumiko… He probably just has something on his mind. Here, we'll go shopping later and I'll buy you something okay? That'll take your mind off things."

Miura nodded like a beaten toddler as she took in Yuigahama's words. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her as I watched her crumble in on herself.

"Man that Hayama… What a jerk," I whispered under my breath as I looked at the crying girl.

Miura suddenly flashed her eyes towards me, but unlike the murderous glare that I was expecting, her eyes looked soft and almost inviting as she regarded me. Her pink lips parted slightly as she blinked a few times, and her cheeks flushed a sudden soft crimson. I couldn't pull my gaze away from hers.

I thought for the first time then that Miura was actually a cute girl.

As I walked through the exit of the classroom door, I thought I heard someone quietly whisper, 'Oh Hikio…'

I shrugged and made my way out of the room, leaning against the side of a locker as I waited for Yuigahama.

"Hey! Why didn't you wait for me?!" Yuigahama yelled, suddenly appearing out of nowhere like a banshee.

"I did…" I muttered as I turned to look at her undoubtedly annoyed face.

Though, rather than simply annoyed, her face looked murderous and unbelievably twisted. She was the spitting image of a yandere character if I'd ever seen one. Suddenly, she took her bag, and smacked me across my shoulder, instantly snapping two bones, and tearing one of my major tendons.

I cried out in pain and fell to the floor in a heap, trying my best to breathe through the agony. "Ow…"

"Hmph. Serves you right for not waiting Hikki," she said haughtily. "Oh, and after you go to the nurse's office, hurry and get to the clubroom okay? Yukinon said she brought a special blend of tea today, so we shouldn't keep her waiting too long."

I struggled to keep conscious as the pain ravaged my body. Although I could barely see her through my watery, fading vision, I managed to nod.

She seemed to have noticed my slight discomfort, because after tilting her head slightly, she patted my shoulder lightly and said something along the lines of 'feel better soon'. Although I couldn't make out her words verbatim, it was really the thought that counted after all, so I didn't care much.

As I passed out from the pain, I thought to myself that it was incredibly generous of her to spare me attention, even when I was the one who was at fault in that situation. I was a despicable person that was undeserving of companionship and the niceties of others, after all.

No matter what, it could not be said that Yuigahama wasn't a nice girl.

* * *

When I finally regained consciousness, I dragged my broken body to the school infirmary. As I knocked uneasily and stood at the cusp of the door, I realized that it was devoid of any personnel. The only other person that was in there was one overweight, pathetic Chuunibyou, currently lying splayed out on a bench.

Oh god, not this guy again. I walked away, hoping that he hadn't seen me, but I wasn't so lucky.

"Hohoho, is that a Hachiman I spy with my little eye?" he called out in a disgustingly nasally voice.

I paused and made my way into the room, my retreat having been cut off prematurely. "Yo…"

"And what is a person like you doing here on a day like this?"

"I hurt my arm," I answered, raising my shoulder slightly to show him the damage.

"Ah! Gods! That is repulsive!" he said with wide eyes, backing away further into the corner to get away from me.

Can't even stand the sight of a little blood. Zaimokuza was the most pathetic person I knew.

"Whatever," I muttered as I walked further into the room. "Why are you here?"

"Are you referring to myself, Hachiman?" he asked boisterously.

"Yes…"

"O-Oh. I see," he blushed.

 _What the hell are you blushing for man? That's sort of disgusting coming from a person like yourself…  
_

He coughed before saying, "You see, I am here so that I may avoid the perils and dangers of the evil institution known as physical education!"

"I should've known…" I shook my head. "You really are pathetic Zaimokuza."

"Ahh!" he yelled, clutching his hand to his heart as if I had mortally wounded him with my words alone. I felt a rising urge to pummel him as he indulged himself in theatrics. "You wound me Hachiman! You wound me!"

I ignored him, and set myself down on a bench as I waited for a nurse to come in and tend to my injuries.

However, my reprieve was cut short when Zaimokuza obnoxiously said, "Hachiman! It almost slipped my attention! I have a new script that I would like you to check out. Would you be so kind as to regale me with your opinion, sire?"

I was shaking my head no when a flimsy piece of lined paper was shoved into my hands. There were some crappy drawings on it, and after I scanned it over once, I realized that the writing was just as crappy, if not crappier.

"This is a piece of dog shit."

"UF!" Zaimokuza fell to the floor with a sickening thud, probably hitting his head on something metal on the way down. I thought he had surely died, but he managed to mumble something immediately after so my happiness was short lived. "Why do you do this to me Hachiman…"

I shrugged both shoulders, and suddenly realized that my shoulder wound had miraculously healed. I thanked God that I would no longer have to stay in the same room as this ridiculous person.

"Well, I have to go to club. Later."

As I walked away however, a cool voice drifted towards me. "Knock em' dead Hachiman… Knock em' straight dead."

I paused. "You know when you say things like that, I can't help but think that you're _actually_ cool."

"I see. Well—"

I slammed the door in his face.

* * *

"How much furrrttheeerr?" Isshiki whined.

"I believe we are getting close. Kawasaki-san said that her house was located on Ayanami street, which is only a few blocks away," Yukinoshita answered calmly, her steps quiet against the sidewalk.

I looked to my left at the ragtag team that we had assembled to babysit that poisonous insect Taishi Kawasaki, and rolled my eyes.

"Ooh, Komachi-chan, you've been there before right? How's the house? Is it big? Is there a lot of furniture and stuff in there?" Yuigahama asked with excited eyes.

"Yep! I've only been there a few times, but it's a pretty nice place. It's not that big or anything, but the décor is really nice! I think Taishi-kun's onee-san was the one who got to choose the colors and furniture and stuff."

Honda liked to sew, and was creative, and therefore liked to decorate things as well.

"Oh senpai, I heard that you invited Totsuka-senpai to babysit too. Did you?" Isshiki asked me curiously as she tugged on my cuffs.

The other girls eyed us and my cuffs curiously. "Yeah, I told him that we'd walk with him, but he said he had to do something before he came. He'll be over later," I answered.

"Ohh. I see," she said. "Thanks for giving me such a succinct answer senpai. That scores really high in Iroha points, ya know!"

Seriously… Komachi and Isshiki really were two similar individuals. I'd always thought that except for the fact that Komachi was cute and Isshiki wasn't, that they were practically the same even.

Isshiki was slightly different than Komachi was, sure, but they were comparable. Perhaps the one detail that set them apart lay in the fact that Isshiki wasn't adorable, while my sister, Hikigaya Komachi, was.

It was undeniable that they shared analogous qualities. However, the one thing that might have differentiated them was that Isshiki, while sly and awfully Komachi-like, was no Komachi. Why you may ask? Simple. Because she wasn't as charming.

Did I mention that Isshiki was an uncute Komachi?

I expected my little sister to interject and say something along the lines of 'that's my line! Give it back you uncute bitch!' but nothing like that came.

In fact, when I made a serious effort to look around, I noticed that Komachi had disappeared altogether.

"Huh? Where did…" I began as something on my chest suddenly caught my attention.

A post-it note secured with a piece of tape was latched right in the center of my chest. "What the…"

As I peeled it off of me and inspected it, I saw that it was Komachi's handwriting.

' _Hehe. Komachi decided to leave you alone with these lovely ladies for a while. If you can't simply choose one, Komachi says go for the harem ending! Don't worry, I'm not ditching you completely. I'll meet you at the Kawasaki house. Enjoy your walk!'_

I shook my head as I realized what Komachi had just pulled. I wasn't blind, and it was obvious that she was trying to get me a girlfriend. I shrugged off her attempt and continued walking.

When we finally reached the entrance of Kawasaki manor, I raised my hand to knock. However, before I could, a wave of realization hit me and I quickly shoved Isshiki into the nearby bush with as much force as I could.

"Ahh! What was that for senpai?"

"Shh. You're not supposed to be here," I shushed her.

After I knocked on the door, Yuigahama, Yukinoshita, and I were left to wait at the front entrance of the medium-sized house.

When the door opened, a white-haired girl dressed in a waiter's uniform appeared.

"Hey guys…" she said uneasily as she regarded our trio.

"Hello Kawasaki-san. We're here to fulfill your request. It is exactly six o'clock," Yukinoshita said.

"Oh… yeah. I'm glad you guys are so… punctual," Chevrolet answered.

She stepped aside before saying, "Come in."

Yukinoshita and Yuigahama walked in first, and although I was slightly behind them, something in the bushes caught my eye.

Isshiki, who was looking at me with watery, pleading eyes, was mouthing something that I guessed was, 'When are you going to come and get me senpai?'

I rolled my eyes before entering the house and shutting the door behind me.

"Nice place…" I muttered as I entered. Truth be told, it was decorated rather well.

"Yeah, thanks…" Chevrolet said under her breath. After we all took a seat on the couch, she began to speak. "Alright, so my parents are out of town, and I have to work a long shift, so I'm not going to be back until around midnight."

"I just want to go home… To work is to lose..." I muttered dejectedly out of nowhere.

"Be quiet Hikigaya-kun. This is an official Service Club case, so your participation is mandatory," Yukinoshita said coldly.

"Yeah I know."

"Heh heh…" Yuigahama laughed awkwardly.

Chevrolet lifted an eyebrow and then continued talking. "Right… Well, Taishi is taking his usual hour nap right now, so he won't be up for a while. When he does get up, you guys just need to heat the dinner in the fridge for him and make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble okay?"

"I see. That sounds rather simple. We won't let you down; I guarantee it, Kawasaki-san. When I say that I will accomplish something, I always intend to follow through with it, no matter the cost. You have my word," Yukinoshita said with a burning determination in her eyes, her hands gripped into fists.

"Heh heh…" Yuigahama laughed awkwardly.

I rolled my eyes and Tesla Motors said, "O-Oh. Right… I'll be going then. Take care."

We all nodded and before we knew it, we were left to our own devices.

I turned the TV in the living room to an anime, but was quickly reproached by Yukinoshita, who seized the remote from my hands and browsed until she reached the cat channel.

As the two of us sat there, watching two kittens mewling around on the screen – Yukinoshita's face twisted into a sinister grin – Yuigahama spoke up from the kitchen.

"Oh! It looks like Kawasaki-san has chocolate mix! I wonder if she bought it for Valentine's day…" Yuigahama trailed off quietly.

"Valentine's Day is the epitome of what our consumer culture has led us to become. Not only is the holiday a glorified bastion for chocolate companies to peddle their wares onto us unsuspecting youth-indulgers, but it's also a terrible day because everyone's always rejected me and nobody ever ends up giving me chocolate because girls just don't seem to like me," I shrugged.

"Hikigaya-kun… Have you ever perhaps thought that the reason you don't like the holiday is because you've never received any chocolate from the opposite sex?" Yukinoshita inquired with a smirk.

"I literally just said that."

Yukinoshita's expression turned into one of surprise, and her cheeks colored heavily. "O-Oh," she said quietly.

"I…" she began, but then cut herself off before turning away slightly. With a light curl of her fists, she summoned the willpower to continue. "Perhaps… Um..."

She twisted and turned uncomfortably as she struggled with her words, her arms wrapping around herself awkwardly in the process. "Perhaps this… Ah," she trailed off. "Um… I…" she breathed.

I discretely checked my watch.

"Perhaps… I coul—"

She was interrupted by a loud slamming of tiny fists on a window.

Both turning to look at the person who'd dared to interrupt our tender moment, we saw Isshiki outside, tears running down her face, and her mouth opening repeatedly to scream something we couldn't hear.

With a roll of my eyes, I walked over to the front door, and opened it to let her in.

"You're such a jerk senpai!" she whined. "That was a thorn bush you pushed me into! I'm bleeding everywhere now!"

True to her word, she was. Her uniform seemed to be torn, and she was bleeding out of multiple puncture wounds in her small, lithe body.

"I think I saw some dirty tissues in the trash can. Use those," I said as I ushered her towards the kitchen carelessly. I plopped back down on the couch and turned back to Yukinoshita.

"What were you saying before?"

"H-Huh?" Yukinoshita started. "Oh… Nothing. I was just saying that you remind me of a Streptococcus Pyogenes, Hikigaya-kun."

"Hey, that's not nice…"

"What's not nice, Streptococcus PyogenesHikigaya-kun?"

"Never mind."

This damn tsundere… and just when I thought we were getting somewhere. I rolled my eyes before asking, "Hey, have you seen Komachi around? She kind of took off back there…"

"Yes, I believe that she's in Taishi-kun's room right now."

"What?!" I yelled out as the thought of the insect defiling my virginal sister flashed through my mind.

I ran up the stairs, kicking down every door until I found the right one. When I finally pushed it open with a swift roundhouse, I saw Taishi-kun sleeping peacefully in his bed.

I contemplated strangling him for a second, but decided against it when I realized that his sister would probably kill me for it when she got home.

Shrugging, I trotted back down the stairs. "Nope. She's not in there."

"Who's not in there?" someone asked from behind me. I started when I heard that voice, and blindly threw a jab in its direction, but with a swift block and sweep on its owner's part, I was down on the floor.

"Ow…" I said as my vision swam. I looked up to see my attacker and saw that it was none other than Komachi herself.

"Sorry Onii-chan… Instinct," she said coldly.

"Don't worry about it…" I muttered as I pushed myself up on bruised buns.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. It had to have been Totsuka.

I rushed over to the door, trampling an already battered Isshiki in the process, and threw it open on its hinges.

"Hi Hachiman…" Totsuka said with a slight wave.

I blinked in surprise, because although I had expected to see Totsuka when I'd opened the door, I did not expect to see the other individuals that were gathered around them.

"YO HIKITANI-KUN!" a bleached-haired hooligan suddenly exclaimed.

"Hikio…" another voice muttered quietly.

"Yaoihallo Hikitani. We were told that there was a steamy boy love party being held here tonight," the girl with grey hair and glasses said.

"…Party?" I stammered out.

"Yah dawg, I mean Irohasu told us that there was gonna be a big rager tonight, right? We came here to partyyyyy man, and we ain't takin' no for an answer!" the miscreant winked.

I wanted to slam the door closed in their faces, but realized that my precious cuddle bug Totsuka was still standing out there, so I stayed my hand.

"There's no party here. Go home," I said.

"You're abandoning me too Hikio…?" a small voice whispered.

I was thinking about how I would handle the situation when a voice called out from the kitchen, "Oh! Tobe-senpai, Miura-senpai, Ebina-senpai! Hi! Come in!"

Taking that as an invitation, they pushed past me and made their ways into the house.

I blinked, shocked.

* * *

"Aren't you going to say something Yukinoshita?" I asked.

She simply ignored me and kept her gaze focused on the cat-related programming on the television. Somehow, she had managed to find a Pan-san plushie and was hugging it around her cutting-board, AA, flat as a strand of yarn chest.

"Come on Hikki… We should let them stay. As long as they don't make a mess, there won't be a problem right?" Yuigahama asked.

I sighed out. "Yeah… I guess so. Just stay in the living room alright?" I said, addressing the group of extroverted, well-liked riajuus.

Ebina said something in affirmation and Miura simply stared at me, her eyelashes fluttering a few times as she did. Totsuka gave me a cute smile.

Where was that other fool, Tobe…

I found him standing in a corner, saying something loudly into his phone. "Yeah, come on! That's right. 9473 Ayanami lane! Yeah, tell Hayato-kun to get his butt over here too! Oh, and invite everyone you know! This place is seriously dead right now!"

A pang of anger flashed through me, and I wrestled the phone away from his hand. "What are you doing?" I asked incredulously.

"Just getting this party started, man."

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** No. Fic. Is. Safe. Not even (or maybe especially) my own. More jabs at specific stories will be coming in the next chapter – look forward to it!

So, did anyone get a crack out of this? Because there were a few parts that I actually couldn't stop laughing at as I was writing it. I'm probably my own biggest fan… It's pathetic. I actually ended up having to tone down some of the fun poking, because it was getting a little too extreme in some parts. This is the 'PG' version if you can believe it.

There were a couple more tropes that I missed and wanted to address, but I decided to forgo them in favor of moving the plot (if you can call it that) along. Perhaps they'll find their ways into the next chapter.

Anyways, thanks a lot for reading. I'm glad people seem to be enjoying it so far.


	4. Part 3

**Part 3**

Youth is like napkins. Napkins are just tools to be utilized to clean up a nasty, dirty mess, and then discarded immediately after. The crappy cheap fibers of the crappily, cheaply made napkin will absorb some of the spilled vomit on the floor, sure, but obviously, it can't absorb all of it because it's crappy. And cheaply made, too.

Youth was like that, in that it was crappy. Therefore, because of this, I can say without a doubt that, napkins and youth are both evil.

I ended up dumping the entire bag of napkins over the crusty spittle on the floor and walking away afterwards. It wasn't my house, so I guess it wasn't really my problem.

After, I made my way into the living room only to grimace when I saw how many people had shown up since I'd last checked.

Tobe had invited a bunch of random people into Hondasaki's house, and they were currently dancing, playing loud music, and making gigantic fools of themselves.

Yukinoshita, being a loner herself, was still seated on the couch, Pan-san pillow hugged firmly to her chest, her eyes still glued to the cartoon bobcats dancing on the television screen, while rowdy teenagers were dancing and making out next to her.

Deciding that I couldn't do much to help her, I shrugged and made my way into the kitchen.

As I did, I vaguely noted the smell of burnt food. Walking further into the kitchen, I saw Yuigahama fanning a flame with her hands, her gigantic breasts moving up and down as she panickedly jumped.

"Ah! Hikki, help!" she said when she saw me standing around.

Blinking out of my breast-induced trance, I walked over to the stove and shut it off, thereby turning off the flame that Yuigahama had been fanning.

"Phew. Thanks Hikki, I don't know what I would've done without you."

I shrugged and let her bask in her own ignorance.

"Um… I made some chocolate," she said softly. "Do you wanna… try it?"

I looked at the counter where she'd already laid out a few pieces of charcoal on a plate.

"Uh… thanks, but I'm not hungry," I answered.

"Please try it."

She picked up the plate and handed it to me carefully. I grasped it with both hands and looked at the pieces of sludge, then at her slightly flushed face. My heart began to race.

As I looked at those shining, teary eyes, only one solitary thought crossed my mind: Yuigahama was a nice girl.

Raising my hands slowly at first, then as quickly and powerfully as I could, I took her chocolate and I _threw it to the ground_.

"Pump that garbage in another man's veins," I said as a tear slid down my cheek.

She didn't deserve this. I was the worst.

I left the kitchen without another word, leaving Yuigahama to cry her eyes out by herself.

 _Yuigahama was a nice girl, but I was an adult._

I made my way upstairs when I remembered that there was something that I'd forgotten to check on.

I pushed and elbowed my way through the growing throngs of partygoers, and when I finally reached the top of the stairs, I rushed to the walk-in closet of the master bedroom.

Pulling the door open and seeing that the little insect was still tied to a chair inside, I let out a breath of relief. _I was really worried for a second there…_

"Mmm! Mmmpph! MMM!" the boy fruitlessly struggled against his restraints and worked his hardest to be noticed. I decided that I could throw him a bone this time, and sauntered over to him.

I tore the duct tape off of his mouth, and he let out a shriek.

"What is it?" I asked impatiently.

"I… Please Onii-chan, I'm hungry."

"I'm not your Onii-chan. Saying things like that is the reason you're like this in the first place," I shook my head. "Besides, I already fed the dinner your sister made for you to some stray dogs outside, so there's nothing left."

"Onii-chan! PLEASE! I'm-"

I cut him off by putting the piece of tape back over his mouth. I dragged the chair further into the closet, turned off the light, then shrugged.

"Keep it down, will you?" I rolled my eyes as I left the room.

As I was walking down the stairs, I noticed a refreshingly handsome blonde boy standing by himself in a far corner of the room.

Against my better judgment, I walked over to him and gave him a light greeting.

"Hey…"

"THE PERSON I LIKE'S NAME BEGINS WITH Y OKAY!?" Hayama suddenly screamed, his eyes awash with sheer frustration.

I merely tripped over my feet in surprise. Everyone in the crowded living room turned to stare at him.

He looked away, his hands curling into fists. "You wouldn't understand it anyways. We're different Hikigaya."

"Okay…"

Yeah. He was batshit insane and I wasn't.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Even over the loud music, I could hear its cheerful tone.

"Hikitani, man! Can you grab that?" Tobe called out through cupped hands from the other side of the room.

Glad for an excuse to get away from the blonde psychopath, I reluctantly nodded.

The person I saw as I opened the door wasn't whom I'd been expecting to see at all.

"Oh. Hello there Hikigaya-kun," she drawled. "I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight."

Yukinoshita Haruno looked at me with mischievous eyes, her smile twisting sinisterly, almost as if she were… some sort of… monster, or something. A monster of depending, or… relying, or something.

"Well, are you just going to stand around all day or are you going to let your nee-san in?"

I didn't really have much of a choice as she pushed past me and strolled inside.

Going to a high school 'party' when you were in college huh?

"You really are a friendless aspie, aren't you?"

"What was that?"

"Nothing…" I shrugged as she pushed her coat into my arms.

"Where's Yukino-chan? She's here too right?"

Somehow I knew that she already had the answer to that question.

"She's on the couch I think," I answered.

Haruno took a second to take in Yukinoshita's hunched up form, and a cruel smile twisted its way up her face. "Oh Yukino-chan. You really never change, do you?" she shook her head. "If you're not relying on me, then you're relying on Hikigaya-kun, and when you're not doing that…" she paused thoughtfully. "You're relying on 'Frisky Feline Adventures' to keep you company." Her face turned into a snarl, dementing her otherwise seriously undeniable good looks. "Pretty pathetic, isn't it Hikigaya-kun?"

"Yep, pathetic." I agreed readily.

She turned to me with wide eyes. "Huh? You're not going to defend Yukino-chan?"

I peeked my head over the corner first at Yukinoshita, then at the pair of conjoined, dancing cats on the television screen. "Nope."

She suddenly leaned straight into me, her breath tickling my lip as she whispered, "That's not very gentlemanly of you Hikigaya-kun."

 _Too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close!_

With a laugh, she grabbed me by the hand and dragged me into one of the spare rooms upstairs.

As the door shut, I asked, "What are we doing?"

"Talking," she answered.

"About what?"

"Your love life."

"I think Hayama might like you," I blurted out suddenly.

"He used to be interesting, now he's boring," she said instantly. I heard a cry erupt from outside the door. "Now that we've cleared that unnecessary formality, let's move on to _your_ love life, hmm?"

I shrugged. "Whatever."

"I saw what you did to Gahama-chan earlier. Cold, Hikigaya-kun, cold," she said with a mock wince.

Ignoring her godlike abilities to understand any and absolutely every detail of my life, I asked, "You did?"

"Yep. Throwing a random plate filled with hockey pucks onto the floor in front of a woman isn't very polite you know…" she said with a faux frown.

"It was chocolate..."

She gasped in what was the first genuine reaction I'd possibly ever seen from her. Her eyes turned wide and she dropped the playful tone. "…What? Really?"

"Really."

"Oh… then I'm so sorry Hikigaya-kun. I take everything I said back," she offered with still wide eyes. "Yukino-chan is the obvious choice then, right? At least she doesn't make you eat sludge chocolate."

"There's nothing going on between us," I declared firmly.

"We'll see," she smiled twistedly. "Bye Hikigaya-kun," she said, disappearing instantly. I blinked in surprise and began to look around, but there was no mistaking it.

She, like the prime years of my youth, was gone.

Shaking my head, I found my way back downstairs where I found Yukinoshita (whose show was probably over at this point) and Yuigahama engaged in a heated argument.

"I won't lose Yukinon…"

"Yuigahama-san, there is no need to do this. Perhaps we can reach a compromise…"

"No! Not this time Yukinon!"

My heart beat faster as I realized that they were talking about winning my affections. I pulled at my hair as I realized the madness of the situation.

I can't pick, I just can't pick!

Scrambling out from behind my hiding spot, I quickly raced back up the stairs, and pushed myself through the sliding glass doors of the master bedroom.

As I panted, my cheeks flushed from exertion and embarrassment, I noticed a figure sitting on the part of the roof that was accessible from the terrace. She was smoking a cigarette and gazing off into the starry night sky.

Blinking a few times as I realized who it was, I called out, "…Hiratsuka-sensei? Is that you?"

The figure turned to lazily blink at me before recognition crossed her features. "Oh, Hikigaya. Surprise seeing you here," she responded.

I stared at her in mute shock. "What… Why do you sound like that?"

"Oh, this?" she said in a tinny, robotic voice. "That's what smoking for eleven years will do to you. I have this little hole in my throat, and this voice box is the only way I can talk or eat now."

I stared at her.

"It's really not so bad. Alcohol actually tastes better this way."

"Oh…" I responded dumbly. "Wait, didn't you have to go to the hospital this morning?"

"Yup. That's where I got this little guy," she said, pointing to her metallic throat. "I also found out that my kidneys are failing."

"I see…" I said. "So, what are you doing here?"

"Me?" she hopped off the roof's surface, and settled onto the rail beside me. "I'm here to give you a conveniently timed pep talk that will put everything in perspective, and will help you solve all of your problems, that's all."

"Gotcha. I could use one of those right about now," I muttered.

"So who are you gonna pick?"

I dug my face into my hands. "I don't know… Honestly, I just don't know…"

She patted me on my back and stared off into the distance with a thoughtful expression in her eyes. Her voice was soft and soothing. "Try, Hikigaya. Try. That's all you can do in a situation like this. Just try," she said with an absolute sense of conviction.

I nodded at her words for a second before I paused and my face scrunched up in confusion.

"Wait, what do you mean try? Try what? That makes no sense in this context."

She nodded. "Writhe, struggle, and suffer. Without those things, what you hope to gain isn't truly genuine," she continued.

"Huh? I don't even want anything genuine… I just need to make a pro and con list or something."

"That's all I can say Hikigaya. The rest is up to you."

"Um, Hiratsuka-sensei?" I asked curiously. But she was gone. "Spooky…" I whispered as I watched Hiratsuka-sensei duck behind a planter.

What she said was true though.

 _Genuine_ …

That word rung through my brain, like sheets of hail pummeling an elderly handicapped man.

There was only one thought that crossed my mind that I could truly call genuine at that point in time. The tiniest hint of a smile found my lips as I reached a new level of understanding that seemed to transcend godhood itself.

"It all makes sense now…" I whispered into the chilly night air.

With a sprint, I flung myself back into the house, in the process accidentally knocking the planter and anyone behind it off the balcony with a sickening thud.

As I flew down the stairs two by two, adrenaline pumped through my veins. This was the moment; this was my moment. It would all be decided here and now – my future, my happiness, everything. I had something that I absolutely needed to say; something that I wouldn't let fade into the background before expounding it from my lungs as loudly as humanly possible.

As I stuck the landing onto the plush carpet, I shouted, "May I please have everyone's attention?"

The music immediately cut off, and every pair of eyes in the house turned to me, Yuigahama's and Yukinoshita's included.

I cleared my throat before turning my most intense and passionate gaze towards the two girls. "I've decided…" I started. Suddenly I felt as if I'd lost both my nerve and my voice all at once. I closed my eyes and let out a shallow sigh through my nostrils.

"I've decided…" I repeated myself with more conviction this time.

"I've decided that…"

The room was dead silent as I stood there; it seemed as if everyone's eyes were pinned to my face and mouth as I said those next words,

"YOUTH IS A LIE!"

An immediate sigh of relief escaped my lungs and I collapsed onto my knees from the adrenaline that was leaving my system. _Goddamn… That might've been the hardest thing I've ever done or will ever have to do…_

"I'm sorry but," I whispered, turning away from them. I took a second to collect myself. "But… youth is a lie. That's the one thing that I know for sure," I grit out through clenched teeth. I felt moisture at the edges of my eyes, but I didn't let it roll down my cheeks like I wanted to. "Oh yeah, and I like you both and hope that we can all still have a genuine relationship, but I can't choose. Sorry," I shrugged.

I then bowed my head in defeat and prepared to face the consequences, whatever those might end up being.

"What the hell are you talking about Hikki?" Yuigahama asked suddenly.

"I don't understand either…" Yukinoshita added quietly.

I looked up from where I had keeled over, and glanced at their confused faces.

"Um… Youth isn't real. It's a lie," I said unsurely.

"No we couldn't possibly care less about that if we tried," Yukinoshita said, dashing my heart to pieces. "What were you saying about choosing?"

I blinked as I realized what she was getting at. "I… overheard you guys. Talking in the kitchen. About… which one of you would get me as your boyfriend," I clarified, blushing as I thought about how madly in love these two girls were with me.

"We never talked about anything like that…" Yuigahama muttered.

I sat there, shocked.

"What?"

"We did not discuss which one of us would be your girlfriend Hikigaya…" Yukinoshita said through narrowed eyes. "I knew that you were shallow and self-centered, but I was not aware that the depths of your depravity went this far."

I could only stare mutely at them as I realized that I had just made a gigantic fool of myself.

Shaking their heads, the two girls walked back into the kitchen and out of sight.

"Fucking creep," someone whispered.

Hanging my head in shame, I plopped myself down on a couch, and sipped lowly at some MAX Coffee. Even when I was feeling like the world's biggest piece of excrement, a nice, chilled can of Coca-Cola's original, delicious coffee flavored drink was MORE than enough to lift my spirits and cheer me up.

Humming a show tune to myself, I relaxed onto the plush cushions, wincing only when I heard the telltale sound of keys jingling against a lock.

Without prompt, the front door swung open slowly to reveal a white-haired girl in a waiter's uniform, cradling a smaller girl in her arms. Her face was bank with surprise, but as quickly as it had come, it had gone and was instead replaced by furious indignation.

"What the HELL is going on here?"

Everyone in the room froze as they heard that powerful yell.

Everyone scrambled out like cockroaches, leaving only Yuigahama, Yukinoshita, Isshiki, and I left to deal with the pure, unmitigated rage of Konohamarusaki Saki.

"I'll wait for you Hikio…" a soft voice called out to me from somewhere before fading out completely.

Konohamaru stared at us coldly before asking, "What the hell is going on here? I leave you three alone to babysit Taishi for a few hours, and you throw a party? I can't believe this."

The three sane ones of the group shared guilty looks, but one girl in particular refused to back down from what should have been a losing situation.

"I do not like your tone Kawasaki-san," Yukinoshita said with a cold gaze.

"Excuse me? _You_ don't like _my_ tone?"

"I am glad to know that you are capable of understanding basic Japanese. It's most impressive."

Konohamaru simply stared at Yukinoshita in wordless disbelief. "You… you guys trashed my house…"

"You are incorrect. _We_ did not trash your house. The people that were invited over did that."

"But you let them! Yukinoshita…" she shook her head incredulously. "I thought you were more responsible than this…"

"Silence. Your grades are inferior to mine, and my family is also wealthier than yours. You cannot speak to me like that."

"W-What…" Kawasaki whimpered quietly. The small toddler that she was carrying in her arms began to cry.

"Get out. Now," Yukinoshita glared.

"B-But this is my house…"

"I said. Get. Out."

Tears brimming at the corner of her eyes, Kawasaki complied and got back into her car, driving off down the hill in complete shock.

"Wow…" I uttered, completely surprised at the scene I'd just seen unfold.

"That was kinda harsh…" Yuigahama said quietly.

"Yeah, Yukinoshita-senpai sure is scary…" Isshiki said, not for the first time in her life.

We all stood there awkwardly as Yukinoshita's anger slowly began to wane.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash, and flying out of the upstairs master bedroom window was some sort of chair-looking device. It hurtled off the second floor and landed with a magnificent crash on the front lawn.

We all exchanged looks, before jogging out the front door to see exactly what had just happened.

THE INSECT! The insect, who was still completely taped from head to toe against the rolling computer chair, was lying face down on the dewy grass, his face bloody from the fall.

"Oh my god…" Isshiki whispered.

I walked over to him and checked his pulse, and for better or worse, it appeared that he was still alive.

I sighed.

With a solemn expression, I brought him upright before wheeling him out onto the cusp of the street.

"Nobody ever talks about tonight, agreed?" I said quietly.

"Agreed," the three girls answered unanimously.

I almost felt bad for what I was about to do, but alas, it couldn't be helped. It was for the greater good, and like many before it, the sin of this transgression would just be another heavy cross for me to bear. I was a martyr; this would not be my first or even last sacrifice.

 _And with this, I sign away my soul…_

With the barest of flicks, my wrist extended slightly. When it connected to the plush backing of the computer chair's cushion, the chair began rolling slowly – its movements so miniscule and minute that it almost seemed as if it hadn't been moving at all.

But it definitely was.

Suddenly, the insect that was taped to the chair shot his head up and began frantically mumbling and yelling through the piece of tape over his mouth, as he realized where he was.

From where we were standing though, his cries ended up sounding more like 'HMM' and 'MMPHHH' than anything that we could understand. We all shrugged.

Although he struggled valiantly as the chair came to the edge of the incline, in the end, momentum seemed to win out over insectoid strength of will and the chair began to pick up speed.

As I watched that chair race down the steep incline of that hill, the muffled cries of a boy about to die too soon echoing faintly in the distance, I could only think one thing.

Youth

…

is the truth.

 **FIN  
**

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** Wow, well… That was a ride, wasn't it? I had no idea where it was going to go from the start, and I'm not surprised that it ended how it did. It started out as strictly a parody of the fandom and source material, but as it went along, it kind of just got crazier. Nonetheless, it was an incredibly relaxing change just writing whatever I felt like and letting inspiration steer the metaphorical car for me. I hope to do something like this again one day; it was really fun.

Also, now that the story is over, I can spill a dirty little secret of mine. I actually finished this entire story the first night I started it, but I was withholding it so that it would get more attention. Yeah, I'm evil…

With that said, thanks for reading and following along with the story. I hope someone got as much a kick out of reading it, as I did writing it. Take care.


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